Sex and Therapy 3/6: Common Couple Dynamics

Many couples who have no functional sexual problems are nevertheless dissatisfied with their sex life. Sometimes sex is a casualty of relationship difficulties, or it may just have slipped off the agenda for couples with busy lives who find it awkward to reboot their sexual connection. Often, normalising a couple’s experience, and some information, is all they need to regain confidence and a sense of mutuality.

Couples with poor communication skills and unspoken beliefs about what sex means to their relationship often present individually with depression or together complaining about frequent arguments. It’s consequently important to ask about sex whenever clients are experiencing relationship problems.

Often, one partner believes that frequent sex signals the health of their relationship, whilst the other partner wants the relationship to be stable and healthy before they’re comfortable being sexual. One may be seen as pestering while the other is seen as refusing. This pursuer-distancer behaviour allows the pursuer to claim a high libido, and feel they’re expressing their sexuality, while the distancer may be flattered by the pursuit but attribute lack of response to low libido. Recognising this dynamic in therapy may allow them to explore other ways to express their anxieties and concerns, and attempt to notice what’s going well rather than what’s a problem.

Assumptions about each other’s motivation often causes resentment, even though partners may not have checked whether their assumptions are correct. They usually aren’t. Sexual refusal, for instance, is often simply related to poor timing, negative body image, tiredness or hygiene issues. Many people will refuse closeness if they feel sweaty or have morning breath, for example. Nonetheless, perception of frequent knockbacks or pestering can lead to sexual avoidance. Conversations which make this explicit can sometimes lead to rapid change.

Couples often fear their relationship isn’t good enough because they can’t recapture the sexual excitement of the initial honeymoon period. There is good reason for this. In early relationships hormones like dopamine, vasopressin, serotonin and oxytocin are responsible for the way our partners seem to have the very qualities we’ve been seeking, so that we’re obsessed with them, feeling great when we’re around them.

The moment we make some sort of commitment, however, the hormone levels drop, and rarely last more than three years anyway. Couples nearly always date their decline in sexual behaviour to around the time they got engaged, moved in together, married or had a baby. The good news is that sex is related to release of oxytocin, a hormone that creates bonding and feelings of wellbeing. This is why couples often feel a lot closer for a couple of days following sex. So the more couples are sexual together, the closer they’ll feel and the more sex they’ll want.

Some couples complain that scheduling sex lacks spontaneity, not realising that sex earlier in their relationship may not have been as spontaneous as they imagined. There’s an expectation of sex when couples are dating, so they’re prepared, whereas they may feel tired, preoccupied and smelly when they live together.

Midlife can be especially busy and a time when some women report losing desire. What they may actually miss as they approach the menopause and beyond is the hormone peak at ovulation when many women do experience considerable desire. Noticing other sexual triggers and choosing to be sexual if someone wants to can help restore sexual identity.

Research also suggests that most women and a third of men lose spontaneous desire in relationships lasting more than 10 years. Knowing this can allow couples to acknowledge what intimacy remains and build on this if they wish to.

Next week we will focus on working with gender, sexual and relationship diversity (GSRD).