Pillars of Strength 2/8: Relationship with Oneself
At the centre of each of us is the relationship we have with ourselves. It is the overarching relationship that influences every other one in our life: with our partner, family, friends and work. If we are to have honest, open and loving relationships with others, we need to know ourselves, be aware of the messages that are being transmitted into our mind (critical messages like “you idiot” and “you are always useless” which come from early childhood experiences), and take responsibility for our actions and responses. This requires our attention, time and discipline – it doesn’t just happen.
One of the cruel aspects of grief is that we often turn the pain we feel against ourselves, rather than finding ways of expressing it. We may notice how grieving clients increase their suffering through what I call our “shitty committee”, attacking themselves with constant self-criticism. It is vital to be self-compassionate, being as kind to ourselves as we would anyone else in our life.
As our relationship with the world and others is changed by grief, so our relationship with ourselves changes. People are often asked if they “feel better”. The usual response is, “I’m not better, I’m the new me – forever changed by my loss”.
The importance of support
The single biggest predictor of positive or negative outcomes for people who are grieving is the love and support of others. Some clients may struggle to allow those closest to them to support and love them. Often we are in so much pain we shut people out. Even if it is only for a small part of the day, encourage your client to feel the connection to someone in their life. Grief is lonely and isolating, and when love dies it is the love of others that helps us survive.
Clarify feelings
Recognising that feelings are not facts is important: feeling bad, for instance, doesn’t make us bad. There may be many different conflicting and confusing messages going on in our client’s mind. Keeping a journal can help clients begin to see what they are telling ourselves, and thereby clarify what is going on inside.
Defence mechanisms
We all need defence mechanisms, and sometimes we may need to build new ones. But if our client tends to shut down when they are upset, it may mean they aren’t getting the support they actually need. We can help them become aware of this, and work on ways to tell those close to them how they are really feeling on the inside.
What we allow to be transmitted into our mind can influence our mood as powerfully as the food we eat impacts our body. It might be useful to think with your client about what they are watching, reading or listening to at this time, and how it may be affecting them.
Denial in grief is a natural and important part of self-protection. Knowing is incremental because, psychologically, we couldn’t cope with the full knowledge all at once. Clients may also worry when a new bereavement brings back previous losses. We can reassure them that they aren’t going mad, and that this isn’t a sign that they have failed to do the necessary grieving in the past. When we are bereaved, our whole history of loss will be triggered.
Find out more about Julia’s work and writing at https://juliasamuel.co.uk/
Julia is a leading UK psychotherapist. At St. Mary's Hospital Paddington, she established the post of psychotherapist for Paediatrics, where her role for 25 years involved seeing families who have children or babies who die, and where she trained and supported the staff.
In 1994, she worked to help launch and establish The Child Bereavement UK and as The Founder Patron was involved and in many aspects of the charities work, having a key role in fundraising, strategy and training. She has stepped back from active involvement now.
In 2016, Julia was awarded an MBE in recognition of her services to bereaved children and in 2017 Middlesex University awarded her an Honorary Doctorate.
In 2017, Julia published Grief Works, which was a Sunday Times bestseller in the UK and has been published in 17 countries. In March 2020, she published This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings, and it is also a Sunday Times bestseller.
In 2021, Julia produced a 5* rated app for those who grieve, Grief Works - a 28-day course to soothe your pain, build your strength and heal. Available on the App store, who have featured it numerous times as a recommended and trending app.
She also has a private practice where she sees families and individuals for many different issues.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Julia Samuel is the founder of Patron Child Bereavement UK and maintains a private practice. She receives royalties as a published author and is the author for The Times newspaper. She receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Julia Samuel has no relevant non-financial relationships.
